Mr Show with Bob and David
by SF Heinig
Summary: Mr. Show sketch comedy series from HBO. This is in screenplay format, as I was trying to edit this episode for FanFiction, it quickly became apparent how hard it is for this specific type of sketch show, ergo screenplay format. Enjoy!


FADE IN:

INT. MR. SHOW STUDIO - AUDIENCE

A NINJA WARRIOR IS STANDING BEHIND THE MR. SHOW AUDIENCE.

NINJA WARRIOR

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. It's Bob and David!

INT. MR. SHOW STUDIO - STAGE

(BOB, DAVID, MAN, MR. SHOW AUDIENCE)

BOB AND DAVID WALK ONTO THE STAGE. THEY BOTH SEEM UPBEAT, BUT A LITTLE ANXIOUS AND RELUCTANT AS THEY ADDRESS THE AUDIENCE.

BOB

Hi. Hello.

DAVID

Good to see you...

BOB

We're glad you could make it...

DAVID

Yeah, glad's a good word. And joyous. (BACK TO MR. SHOW AUDIENCE) We're also joyous that you could be here tonight.

MAN STANDS UP IN MR. SHOW AUDIENCE.

MAN

(ACCUSINGLY) Hey, what gives? Are you guys stalling?

BOB

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Sir, no we're not -- I mean...David, maybe you should tell them.

DAVID

Yeah, yeah. You see, ladies and gentlemen, sadly, tonight there will be no Mr. Show.

THE MR. SHOW AUDIENCE RESPONDS WITH A GASP.

BOB

That's right, and we're deeply, regretfully sorry.

MAN

Is that all you guys have to say for yourselves?

BOB AND DAVID SHRUG THEIR SHOULDERS.

MAN

Well, where is it? Why isn't it ready? I think we all deserve an explanation.

MR. SHOW AUDIENCE

Yeah!

DAVID HANGS HIS HEAD DOWN LOOKING GLUM.

BOB

Well, you see, David recently discovered that the woman he had fallen in love was both an escaped felon and a programing executive for MTV.

MR. SHOW AUDIENCE

(SYMPATHETIC) Awww...

BOB

Yeah... So you know to compensate for David's pain, we both got kind of ripped over the weekend. In fact, we brought a clip.

DAVID AND BOB TURN TO THE BIG MONITOR BEHIND THEM.

CUT TO:

INT. DAVID'S STUDIO APARTMENT - NIGHT

BOB LOOKS COMPLETELY DISHEVELED, STUMBLING AROUND DRUNKENLY IN THE LIVING ROOM OF DAVID'S APARTMENT; IN THE B.G. THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR OF THE BATHROOM WE SEE DAVID DRUNK ON THE FLOOR AND PUKING INTO THE TOILET.

BOB

Fuck man, where the fuck are my keys? Did the cat take them? David? (SEES DAVID) Oh, shit man, are you okay buddy? That's it man, I'm cutting you off. No more for you.

BOB FALLS ONTO THE COUCH, PASSING OUT.

INT. MR. SHOW STUDIO - STAGE

(DAVID, BOB, NUN, MR. SHOW AUDIENCE, FRENCH MAN)

THE STAGE MONITOR SHUTS BACK OFF.

DAVID

(LAUGHS) Dude, we got so crispy warped!

BOB

(GERMAN ACCENT) We got blitzkrieged by Baron Von Kegger Meister! (LAUGHS, BEAT) but seriously folks, as you can see we just couldn't get our stuff together for tonight's show. I'm sorry. We're both sorry.

DAVID

Hey, thanks for being such a great shoulder to cry on man.

BOB

Hey, that's what friends are for.

DAVID

Best friends.

DAVID SHAKES BOB'S HAND, THEY HUG. NUN STANDS UP IN MR. SHOW AUDIENCE.

NUN

Well, that's sweet for you sweet shit bitches, but where the fuck does that leave the rest of us?

MR. SHOW AUDIENCE

Yeah!

BOB

Ladies and gentlemen, Sister Margaret of the Eternal Tourettes.

MR. SHOW AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.

DAVID

Well, I'm glad you asked sister. Apparently, the money saved from making only ten Mr. Shows last season was used by HBO for kidney research, and to make a movie with the late Billy Crystal.

NUN

A fucking shitless movie with that prick?

BOB

Fucking right, sis. And you guys are going to be the first lucky viewers to see it.

THE MR. SHOW AUDIENCE CHEERS WITH APPROVAL. AN ARROGANT FRENCH MAN WITH A THIN MUSTACHE, SMOKING A CIGARETTE, AND WEARING A BLACK BERET, STANDS UP IN THE AUDIENCE.

FRENCH MAN

But, what is this film about?

DAVID

Well, it's the story of an out of work comedy writer played by Yakov Smirnoff, who's hired by the KGB to steal Colonel Sander's secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices.

BOB

That's right, David. HBO calls it, "The KFC vs The KGB." And there are plenty of car chases, explosions, gun fights, and even a nine hundred pound digitally animated chicken with fangs. (LAUGHS) Scary.

THE MR. SHOW AUDIENCE CHEERS WITH APPROVAL.

DAVID

And ol' Bob and I even have cameos as a couple of hapless Russian pimps.

FRENCH MAN

This is ridiculous, such bad American cinema. I spit on your filthy Hollywood pretentious -- tootie fruity on the rootie crappy.

THE FRENCH MAN BEGINS TO STORM OUT, MARCHING TOWARDS THE STUDIO EXIT.

DAVID

(BEGS) Oh, sir, please, please come back. Would HBO make a crappy, pretentious movie?

BOB

(BEGS) Sir, please don't walk out. Won't you give our film a chance?

THE FRENCH MAN STOPS IN FRONT OF THE EXIT DOOR, TURNS AND SPITS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE STAGE, THEN EXITS.

DAVID

(TO BOB) That guy was an asshole.

Bob nods in agreement.

EXT. MR. SHOW STUDIO - DAY

THE FRENCH MAN QUICKLY WALKS ACROSS THE STREET TO AN ART HOUSE FILM THEATER, BUYS A TICKET AT THE WINDOW AND ENTERS.

INT. FILM THEATER - SEATS

FRENCH MAN, MAN SITTING IN BACK ROW, WOMAN SITTING IN BACK ROW. THE DARKENED THEATER IS MOSTLY EMPTY. THE FRENCH MAN MAKES HIS WAY TO AN EMPTY ROW OF SEATS.

FRENCH MAN

(SITS, TO CAMERA) You see, this is real cinema, not that bullshit bang bang with the football and the mechanical Rambo water shark. That is not art. (GESTURES TO SCREEN) But this, this is a film of the mind, of the fluttering soul, of the pulse pounding heart. (LEANS IN CLOSER TO CAMERA) It's the story of man becoming a boy, who is learning to be a grandmother. He is trying to make a vision of a dream into a fantasy, and turn his fantasy of a vision back into a dream. His love for art eclipsing his spiritual poetry of--

MAN SITTING IN BACK ROW

Would you shut the fuck up! Jesus!

FRENCH MAN

(TO CAMERA) Shhh, the film it starts.

THE FRENCH MAN LIGHTS A FRESH CIGARETTE.

WOMAN SITTING IN BACK ROW

Put that freakin' cigarette out!

THE FRENCH MAN NERVOUSLY SQUASHES OUT HIS CIGARETTE. THE CAMERA PANS TO THE THEATER SCREEN AS THE FILM STARTS.

INT. ROOM (BLACK & WHITE)

(GASTON (Bob), LILITH)

THE ROOM IS A SHAPELESS, WINDOWLESS SPACE, WHERE A SPRITE LOOKING MAN, GASTON, AND WOMAN, LILITH ARE DRESSED IN CLOTH SACKS AND SITTING ON STOOLS THAT FACE EACH OTHER. GASTON AND LILITH ARE BOTH RIGID AND SILENT, AND WHEN THEY SPEAK IT IS IN A SOLEMN MONOTONE.

GASTON

How long have we been here?

LILITH

You have broken the silence.

GASTON

How long have we been here?

LILITH

Time is irrelevent.

GASTON HOLDS UP HIS ARMS AS IF HE WERE SURRENDERING.

GASTON

I spoke too soon. I surrender to your judgement.

LILITH

Put down your arms. We must not speak.

GASTON

(PUTS ARMS DOWN) Speaking leads to questions.

LILITH

And questions lead to riddles.

GASTON

And riddles lead to answers.

LILITH

And answers lead to understanding.

GASTON

And understanding leads to enlightenment.

LILITH

We must not speak.

GASTON

We are thought of as individuals.

LILITH

Yet, we are packaged and sold into lifelessness.

GASTON

Lifelessness.

LILITH

Lifelessness.

GASTON

Lifelessness.

LILITH

Lifelessness.

GASTON & LILITH

Lifelessness. We must not speak.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. BASEMENT CABLE ACCESS SHOW

(SKY (David), FRANCO (Bob), MR. STARLIGHT)

SKY STARLIGHT (30S) MALE, THE HOST OF HIS OWN CABLE SHOW. SKY IS DRESSED IN A GLITTERY SUIT. HE SPEAKS WITH A LISP.

SKY

Good evening, I'm Sky Starlight and this is Film Snore, your ticket for information on sleeper hits, and arty smarty films playing in your area. (SKY TURNS TO GUEST) Our first guest tonight is up and coming directorial sensation Franco Spore. And we've just been looking at his latest film, "Room Without A View."

FRANCO SPORE IS SITTING IN A CHAIR NEXT TO SKY. FRANCO IS WEARING A BLACK SILK SUIT, DARK SUNGLASSES, AND SPEAKS WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT.

SKY

So, Franco, tell us what's next in your fascinating cinematic minimalist trilogy?

FRANCO

Well, Sky, I've decided to break away from the trilogy and begin work on a full production of my critically accepted performance piece, "Bus Farce To Kansas."

SKY

And what will that be about?

FRANCO

Well, it's a gritty dramatic piece on the subject of teenage homelessness here in America.

SKY

Have you had any personal experience with this topic?

FRANCO

Uh, no. But I did do extensive research. I spent a week living in my car in the back of a Denny's parking lot.

SKY

Fascinating. So, what exactly is the story here?

FRANCO

Well, it's the story of a young homeless teen named Timmy, whom I play. Timmy is trying to get back to Kansas City where his girlfriend Marsha is soon to give birth.

SKY

Now are you from Kansas City?

FRANCO

No. I am from Wisconsin.

SKY

Fascinating. So this story takes place in Kansas City, Missouri?

FRANCO

No. It takes place in Kansas City, Kansas. And that only happens midway through the second act.

SKY

(SMILES) Well, don't give too much away. Can you set this next clip up for us?

FRANCO

Yes. You're about to see a scene in which my character gets off the bus to use a public washroom.

SKY

Let's have a look-see.

FRANCO AND SKY TURN TO THE TELEVISION BEHIND THEM.

SKY

But first, some sounds from the Shadow Puppets Musical.

THE BOOMING VOICE OF SKY'S DAD CUTS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE SHOW.

MR. STARLIGHT

Sky? Where the heck are you?

THE ABOVE BASEMENT LIGHT GOES ON, SILHOUETTED BEHIND SKY'S MOCK STUDIO WALL IS THE OUTLINE OF A STAIRWELL AND SKY'S PIPE SMOKING DAD, MR. STARLIGHT.

MR. STARLIGHT (CONT'D; O.S.)

Are you still down there doing that silly cable access show?

SKY

Hey, back off pops! Your generation will never understand our generation's profound love for the arts!

MR. STARLIGHT

Quit your tomfoolery! You've still got pizza to deliver, my boy. (EXITS)

SFX: BASEMENT DOOR SLAMMED SHUT.

SKY

Jerk. (TO CAMERA MAN) Well, I guess that's our show, Jimmy.

SKY STANDS UP AND TAKES OFF HIS SUIT, UNDERNEATH SKY IS WEARING THE UNIFORM OF A DOMINO'S-TYPE PIZZA DELIVERER. SKY TAKES A BASBALL CAP FROM UNDER HIS CHAIR AND PUTS IT ON.

INT. PIZZA PARLOR - NIGHT

(MR. STARLIGHT, SKY, MRS. STARLIGHT)

A SMALL MA AND PA PIZZA SHOP, PRIMARILY DELIVERY AND PICK-UP, NO TABLES OR CHAIRS. SKY ENTERS VIA THE BASEMENT DOOR. SKY'S PARENTS HAVE A VERY SQUARE APPEARENCE AND MANNER, REAL "OZZIE AND HARRIET." MR. STARLIGHT IS PUTTING PIZZA AFTER PIZZA IN A GIANT OVEN, WHILE MRS. STARLIGHT GARNISHES THEM BEFORE GOING IN.

MR. STARLIGHT

(SARCASTIC) Well, look who finally decided to show up for work but our own son, Mr. Hollywood.

SKY

Oh, clever, pops.

MRS. STARLIGHT

Well, I'm sorry if your father sounds so harsh, Sky. It's just that cold pizza isn't as popular with our customers as hot pizza.

SKY

All right! I get it. Just give me the pizza.

MRS. STARLIGHT HANDS SKY FOUR LARGE PIZZA BOXES.

MRS. STARLIGHT

Now these go to the Smirnoff Building. You've got enough gas?

SKY

Yeah.

MRS. STARLIGHT

Did you have dinner yet?

SKY

No.

MRS. STARLIGHT

Well, I'll make you something special when you get back.

MR. STARLIGHT

Have you finished turning our son into a faggot yet, dear?

MRS. STARLIGHT

Dear! You mind the pizza, I'll mind our son's faggotry. Now, Sky, a mother's intuition never lies, is anything else wrong?

SKY

I told you, it's those ninjas. I'm really afraid they're going to kill me this time.

MR. STARLIGHT

(SLAMS OVEN DOOR) Not that ninja fiddle-faddle again!

MRS. STARLIGHT

Sky, I'm surprised at you. You know ninjas don't really exist.

SKY

But I've seen them! They've already murdered Mister Pickles with those poison darts they throw.

MR. STARLIGHT

You know dad-blasted well, that cat died from fucking the toaster.

SKY

That's a lie, it was the ninjas! Why don't you two ever believe me?

MRS. STARLIGHT

Sky! Now I am getting sick to death of this. Enough is enough. I don't want to hear anything more about ninjas until you've got that pizza delivered. (HANDS ON HIP) Do you hear me young man?

SKY GRABS THE PIZZA BOXES OFF THE COUNTER.

SKY

Yes. (EXITS PIZZA SHOP)

EXT. PIZZA PARLOR/SIDEWALK - NIGHT

(SKY)

SKY

Why don't they ever believe me!

SKY STOMPS OFF DOWN THE STREET. IN THE B.G. WE SEE THROUGH THE PIZZA PARLOR WINDOW AS SKY'S PARENTS THROATS ARE SLASHED BY THE NINJAS.

EXT. ALLEY

(NINJA #1, SKY, NINJA #3, NINJA #2, NARRATOR, RED ROBOT, GREEN ROBOT, PURPLE ROBOT, BLUE ROBOT, YELLOW ROBOT, DIRECTOR, BUM)

SKY NERVOUSLY WALKS THROUGH THE ALLEY, OFTEN GLANCING OVER HIS SHOULDER TO SEE IF HE'S BEING FOLLOWED: BEADS OF PERSPIRATION APPEAR ON HIS FOREHEAD, WE CAN HEAR SKY'S TENSE BREATH AND QUICKENING HEART BEAT.

THREE NINJAS SUDDENLY DROP INTO VIEW. SKY SCREAMS, DROPPING DOWN INTO A COWERING BALL.

NINJA #1

Well, how's Mr. Pickles, huh, kid?

NINJA #2 LANDS A SWIFT KICK TO SKY'S ABDOMEN.

SKY

(CRYING) What do you want with me?

NINJA #3

Hey, I think I have some cream for kitty.

NINJA #2 TAUNTINGLY DANGLES A RUBBER MOUSE IN FRONT OF SKY'S FACE.

NINJA #2

Or how about -- a nice rubber mouse!

SKY

No, stop. Stop! Stop!

A POWERFUL BLINDING WHITE LIGHT SUDDENLY ILLUMINATES THE DARK ALLEY, AND OUT OF THIS LIGHT FIVE FIGURES EMERGE.

SKY

(RELIEVED) It's The Teenage Angst Ridden Robots!

SFX: GUITAR HEAVY ROCK RIFF TEENAGE ANGST RIDDEN ROBOTS ARE COMPRISED OF FIVE COSTUMED INDIVIDUALS (VERY "POWER RANGERS" LOOKING) BLUE ROBOT (Bob), PURPLE ROBOT (FEMALE), YELLOW ROBOT (MALE), GREEN ROBOT (FEMALE), AND RED ROBOT (David).

NARRATOR (Bob)

Welcome to another thrilling adventure of those power punching, karate chopping, Teenage Angst Ridden Robots! Tonight's episode, 'Feeling Blue.' We join our powerful quintet as they face off with ZorDong's evil ninja henchmen...

RED ROBOT STEPS FORWARD.

RED ROBOT

Hey! Why don't you ninja jerks pick on someone your own size?

A GROUP OF TEN SWORD-WIELDING NINJA SUDDENLY APPEAR, CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHING THE YOUNG TEEN TITANS.

RED ROBOT

Okay, guys, this is it. Take care of those swords, those tips are laced with poison.

GREEN ROBOT

Okay, Robots, let's show these creeps what fire fighting power is really about.

EACH TEENAGE ANGST RIDDEN ROBOT STRIKES A DIFFERENT KARATE STANCE, THEN FIRES A CONJOINED RAINBOW BURST OF ENERGY AT THE NINJAS, CAUSING THEM TO EITHER DISINTEGRATE OR FLEE.

PURPLE ROBOT

And tell ZorDong there's plenty more where that came from!

BLUE ROBOT

(HELPS SKY UP) Now run along to deliver those pizzas, Sky.

SKY

(RUNNING OFF) Thanks! Thanks, Teenage Angst Ridden Robots!

BLUE ROBOT

(HOLDS HAND UP) Way to go guys.

THEY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER. NONE OF THE OTHER TEENAGE ANGST RIDDEN ROBOTS NOTICE RED ROBOT WANDER AWAY FROM THE GROUP.

PURPLE ROBOT

Now that's what I call team work.

YELLOW ROBOT

You can sure say that again, Purple Robot.

PURPLE ROBOT

Now that's what I call team work.

GREEN ROBOT

Oh, Purple Robot, when will you ever be serious?

PURPLE ROBOT

I am serious -- serious funny.

THEY ALL SHARE A HEARTY LAUGH.

BLUE ROBOT

Hey guys, let's go celebrate.

YELLOW ROBOT

Yeah, we've earned it.

GREEN ROBOT

I call Weenier Buns!

BLUE ROBOT

Hey, wait a second. Where's Red?

YELLOW ROBOT

Hey! (POINTING) He's over there.

THE GROUP RUSHES OVER TO RED ROBOT WHO SITS ON AN OLD CRATE WITH HIS MASK OFF. THE GROUP TAKES THEIR MASKS OFF AS WELL.

BLUE ROBOT

Are you okay, buddy?

RED ROBOT

Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to be alone.

GREEN ROBOT

Alone?

YELLOW ROBOT

But you're never alone when you're a Teenage Angst Ridden Robot.

RED ROBOT

(SNAPS) Yeah, well maybe that's the problem dickwad!

THE TEENS ARE TAKEN ABACK BY RED'S SHARP ATTITUDE.

PURPLE ROBOT

Maybe he's under the control of ZorDong's evil mind melder machine?

RED ROBOT

No, I'm not under the control of ZorDong's evil mind melder machine. I just need to be alone. Is that so hard to understand?

BLUE ROBOT

Hey guys, let me rap with Red one on one. We'll catch up with you later at Weenier Buns.

GREEN ROBOT

Sure, Blue. Come on guys...

GREEN, PURPLE, AND YELLOW EXIT.

BLUE ROBOT

So, what's up Red?

RED ROBOT

I don't know, I guess I'm just feeling blue, Blue.

BLUE ROBOT

Feeling blue, what about?

RED ROBOT

Lately I've been having problems at school and at home with mom and dad, and...

BLUE ROBOT

And?

RED ROBOT

And, lately I've been preoccupied with vivid thoughts of death, my death, your death. Pretty much the whole death thing.

BLUE ROBOT

Death? But why?

RED ROBOT

(STANDS) Haven't you come to some sort of conclusion, that by putting our lives in mortal danger week after week, we run the risk of dying, or worse?

BLUE ROBOT

Of course I have, Red. But I'm not selfish. Why, I'd gladly put my life on the line to save a child, or a small fishing village in Zimbabwe from certain disaster.

RED ROBOT

Really? Well I say screw 'em!

BLUE ROBOT

Red, that's not proper Teenage Angst Ridden Robot spirit.

RED ROBOT

Look! (BEAT) I'm going through some heavy shit right now. You think you could be a pal, and cut me a few Gs?

BLUE ROBOT

(CONFUSED) Uh, what?

RED ROBOT

Look, I was going to wait till later, but I guess I might as well tell you now. I'm quitting the group. I think you're all a bunch of faggots.

BLUE ROBOT

You want to quit the group, but why?

RED ROBOT

Haven't you been listening? I want to do the things normal teenagers do.

BLUE ROBOT

Oh, and I suppose, wanting to save the planet isn't normal?

RED ROBOT

No! You shouldn't give a shit about the planet. You want to know what's normal for our age? Doing drugs, getting loaded on beer and high on pot. Staying out past nine o'clock at night, having unprotected sex, maybe in your case gay sex. My point is, we're not acting like real teens. We're not acting like teenagers at all...

DIRECTOR

(BOISTEROUS) In my opinion, you're not even acting! Cut the scene!

THE CAMERA MOVES BACK TO INCLUDE THE SET OF TEENAGE ANGST RIDDEN ROBOTS, WHERE WE SEE THE SET'S FILM CREW, CAMERA AND HITCHCOCK LOOKING DIRECTOR (Bob in a fat suit). RED ROBOT WALKS OVER TO THE DIRECTOR, YANKING THE SCRIPT FROM HIS HANDS.

RED ROBOT

That's because this script is crap! You said you were going to hire better writers this season.

DIRECTOR

Perhaps, I would -- if your acting improved!

RED ROBOT

That's it! I'll be in my trailer.

RED ROBOT STORMS OFF THE SET, THROWING THE SCRIPT IN A NEARBY TRASH BIN THAT HE PASSES.

A GRIZZLED OLD BUM SEES THIS, PULLS THE SCRIPT OUT OF THE BIN, THEN SHUFFLES THROUGH HIS SHOPPING CART OF GARBAGE UNTIL HE FINDS HIS CELL PHONE.

BUM

Hello? Could I speak to Randy West please? This is Jack Miller. Yes, I'll hold.

INT. RANDY WEST OFFICE - DAY

(RANDY (Bob), JENNY)

RANDY WEST (30s) A TALENT AGENT, FAST TALKER IS SITTING AT HIS DESK. THE WINDOW BEHIND HIM OVERLOOKS THE FAMED HOLLYWOOD SIGN. RANDY IS WEARING A PHONE HEADSET.

RANDY

Jack! Hey buddy! How's tricks? No shit! Well, that's a crackwhore for you, here today, dead tomorrow. (LAUGHS, FLIPS OPEN SCRIPT ON TABLE) Say, I got your last five pages on your new script, 'Portrait Of DrugWorld: An Amish Tale.' And let me tell ya, it's the bomb! Oh yeah! It's just the sort of highbrow artistic shit we should be doing here. Even the execs creamed in their pants once they read it... Well, hey, you're from the streets and I'm from the streets, and we know shit when we step in it. Am I right? (LAUGHS) Okay, will do. We'll do lunch. Au revoir!

JENNY, RANDY'S SECRETARY, PIPES IN OVER THE INTERCOM.

JENNY

Sir, they're ready for you in Studio 5 again.

RANDY

(JUMPING OUT OF CHAIR) Holy shit! Thanks, Jenny!

RANDY RUNS OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

INT. STUDIO OFFICE BUILDING

RANDY RACES DOWN THE HALL TO THE ELEVATORS, QUICKLY ENTERING THE FIRST OPEN ONE.

EXT. STUDIO OFFICE BUILDING

RANDY RUNS ACROSS FROM ONE STUDIO LOT TO ANOTHER.

EXT. STUDIO

RANDY PUSHES PAST THE GAURD AS HE HURRIEDLY ENTERS STUDIO 5.

INT. STUDIO 5/STAGE

(CAMERA MAN, RANDY, DAN (David), CONTESTANT #1, CONTESTANT #2, CONTESTANT #3)

STUDIO 5 IS WHERE THEY TAPE A "DATING GAME" LIKE SHOW CALLED: THAT PICK-UP LINE. A SIGN BEARING THE SHOW'S TITLE HANGS ACROSS THE BACK OF THE STAGE. RANDY IS THE HOST OF THE SHOW.

RANDY HAS CHANGED HIS CLOTHES, AND NOW WEARS A PINK TUXEDO, VERY 70s LOOKING. RANDY QUICKLY STICKS ON A PAIR OF FAKE SIDEBURNS COMPLETING THE KITSCH LOOK.

CAMERA MAN

We're ready in 5, 4, 3, 2 --

THE GAME SHOW AUDIECE APPLAUDS.

RANDY

Okay, we're back. Let's meet our next guest, Dan Foreman. Dan says he's into metallurgy, pheasant stuffing, and Shelly Duvall movies. (LAUGHS) Alright, come on out here Dan!

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. DAN FOREMAN (30s) WALKS OUT ONTO THE STAGE. RANDY SHAKES HIS HAND.

RANDY

Good to have you here, Don.

DAN

It's Dan.

RANDY POINTS TO A CHAIR BEHIND DAN.

RANDY

Have a seat.

DAN SHEEPISHLY MOVES TO THE CHAIR.

RANDY

(TO CAMERA) Now, let us meet your three lovely contestants.

THE STAGE LIGHTS GO ON WHERE THE CONTESTANTS ARE SEATED SEPARATELY FROM THE VIEW OF DAN AND RANDY.

THE CONTESTANTS WHO ARE SEATED STAGE LEFT TO STAGE RIGHT ARE: CONTESTANT #1 (30s, FEMALE) A DITZY BLONDE, CONTESTANT #2 (30s, FEMALE) A SEEMINGLY RIGID BUSINESS WOMAN, AND CONTESTANT #3 (30s, MALE) A ROUGH-LOOKING UNION GRIP FROM THE SHOW (Brian Posehn).

RANDY

Contestant #1 says she never met a man she didn't take shopping. (LAUGHS) She also says she's into water sports, shamanistic healing, and loves treating great first dates to a very naked, very muddy, mud bath. Say hi to Dan, contestant #1.

CONTESTANT #1

(SENSUAL) Hello, Danny.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP. DAN SMILES.

RANDY

Mmm, sounds good to me. Okay, our next contestant says she finds it difficult to meet men -- that meet her sexual appetite.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP.

RANDY

Contestant #2 says she's into leather goods, snow skiing, and nude body painting. Say, hi to Dan, contestant #2.

CONTESTANT #2

(SENSUAL) Hello, Dan. I hope you're able to show me how you would work your annual bonus into my -- ample quarterly dividends.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP.

RANDY

Wow, sounds like a merger to me. Alright, let's meet our final contestant. Contestant #3, is really into sports, especially those that you can bet on. (LAUGHS) And, says you can keep me up all night, if the mood is right. Say hello, contestant #3.

CONTESTANT #3

(SMILING) Hi there, Dan.

DAN LOOKS BEWILDERED, HE COULD SWEAR CONTESTANT #3 SOUNDS LIKE A MAN.

DAN

Uh, hi...

RANDY

(LAUGHS) Ooo, sexy! Okay, Dan are you ready to start the Q&A for some T&A?

DAN

Uh, sure. Contestant #2 if you had to describe yourself in three sexy words what would they be?

CONTESTANT #2 LOOKS STRAIGHT AT THE CAMERA WITH A STRONG COME HITHER LOOK. THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE CHEERS.

CONTESTANT #2

Wavey, wild, and wet.

DAN

(SMILES) Okay. Contestant #1 if you had to pick a public place to do it, where would it be?

CONTESTANT #1

Uh, let me see... oh, I know, the carnival!

DAN

Okay, why the carnival?

CONTESTANT #1

Because I'm like cotten candy, duh. Hot, pink, sweet and sticky to eat.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP.

DAN

(LAUGHS) okay. What about you #3?

CONTESTANT #3

Well, I guess I'd have to say my friend Jimmy's Auto Shop.

DAN

Uh, why there?

CONTESTANT #3

So I could give you a tune-up you wouldn't believe, sweet cakes.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE HOOTS AND HOLLERS.

DAN

What? (TO RANDY) Pardon me for saying, but you sound like a dude.

CONTESTANT #3

(GIGGLES GIRLISHLY) Geez, that's a new one on me Danny.

DAN LOOKS CONFUSED. RANDY STEPS OVER QUICKLY TO DAN.

RANDY

(WHISPERS QUICKLY) Hey man, chill. We had a last minute cancellation, we couldn't fill the slot, so just go with it, okay?

DAN

But--

RANDY

(WHISPERS QUICKLY, HOSTILE) Just shut the fuck up about it, or I'll take you out back and bust a cap in your ass! (TURNS BACK TO CAMERA, SMILING) Okay, Dan are you ready to ask your lovely contestants some more questions?

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE CHEERS.

DAN

(SOMBER) Sure. (LOOKS AT CARDS) Contestant #1, if I was a Tootsie Pop how many licks would it take for you to get to my center?

CONTESTANT #1

Well, I would start off slow--

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP.

CONTESTANT #1

--and just keep licking -- even if it took me all night!

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE HOOTS AND HOWLERS.

DAN

(LAUGHS) Alright. Uh, how about you contestant #2?

CONTESTANT #2

Well, I'd do plenty of licking, but it wouldn't take me all night, because I would do a lot more sucking--

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP.

CONTESTANT #2

--that way we'd have plenty of time to experiment with other things.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP EVEN LOUDER

DAN

(SMILES) Nice. Okay... (PAUSES, LOOKS AT RANDY)

RANDY

(WHISPERS ADAMANTLY) Ask.

DAN

Uh, okay, contestant #3?

CONTESTANT #3

(SMILING) Yes, Danny?

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE LAUGHS.

DAN

(VERY UNCOMFORTABLE) Uh, how many -- licks?

CONTESTANT #2

Oh, that's a hard question, Danny. But for arguments sake, I would say, as long as it took until you melted in my mouth.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE WHOOPS IT UP. CONTESTANT #2 AND #3 HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER.

DAN

(THROWS DOWN CARDS) That's it, I can't take this! (TO RANDY) This wasn't part of the deal.

RANDY ACKNOWLEDGES A SIGNAL TO WRAP UP THE SEGMENT FROM THE PRODUCER (O.S.).

RANDY

Dan, you've just heard from your three beautiful contestants. Now it's time to choose who's going to be your lucky date.

CONTESTANT #3 AND CONTESTANT #1 QUICKLY SWITCH SEATS.

RANDY

Will it be contestant #1, #2, or #3?

DAN

Contestant #1, I guess.

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS.

RANDY

Okay, let's meet who you didn't choose. Contestant #3 likes bowling, long walks on the beach, and beer. Come on out #3!

THE GAME SHOW AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. CONTESTANT #1 MASQUERADING AS #3 STEPS OUT. DAN IS SURPRISED TO SEE THAT IT'S A WOMAN AND NOT A MAN AFTER ALL.

DAN

Oh...

CONTESTANT #1 GIVES DAN A KISS ON THE CHEEK.

RANDY

Contestant #2, whom you also didn't choose, likes nude body art and leather goods. Come on out #2!

GAME SHOW AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. CONTESTANT #2 STEPS OUT. CONTESTANT #2 SURPRISES DAN BY GRABBING HIM AND GIVING HIM A DEEP KISS.

RANDY

Okay, Dan, this is the big moment... are you ready to meet who you chose to be your date?

DAN

(ENTHUSED) Yeah, yeah, let's bring her out.

RANDY

You heard him, contestant #1, come on out!

GAME SHOW AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. CONTESTANT #3 WHO'S MASQUERADING AS #1 STEPS OUT.

DAN

Oh, shit! This is fucked up! I didn't want to go out on a date with another guy. (POINTING ACCUSINGLY) You guys tricked me -- all of you did!

RANDY AS WELL AS CONTESTANTS #1 AND #2 BOW THEIR HEADS IN SHAME.

CONTESTANT #3

Hey, man, don't put all the blame on them -- it's my fault too, just like theirs... (TEARFUL) for caring so much...

CONTESTANT #2 CONSOLINGLY PUTS HER ARMS AROUND CONTESTANT #3.

RANDY

He's right, we just wanted to provide the best possible date for you that we could.

CONTESTANT #1

We didn't mean to hurt you.

CONTESTANT #2

We'll leave if you want us to...

RANDY AND THE CONTESTANTS START TO EXIT OFF THE STAGE.

DAN

No, wait, don't go.

RANDY AND THE CONTESTANTS TURN BACK TO DAN.

CONTESTANT #3

(DIGNIFIED) Yes?

DAN

(SMILING) I think I feel like that date now...

CONTESTANT #3 RUNS OVER TO DAN TAKING HIS HANDS IN HIS.

CONTESTANT #3

(ECSTATIC) I promise Danny -- this will be the best date ever!

SFX: BUBBLY UPBEAT MUSIC INSERT - PHOTOGRAPH OF DAN AND CONTESTANT #3 BUILDING A SAND CASTLE TOGETHER ON THE BEACH.

INSERT - PHOTOGRAPH OF DAN AND CONTESTANT #3 BALLROOM DANCING AT A HIGH SOCIETY GALA EVENT.

INSERT - PHOTOGRAPH OF DAN AND CONTESTANT #3 AT A ROMANTIC DINNER.

INSERT - PHOTOGRAPH OF DAN AND CONTESTANT #3 TAKING A SCENIC DRIVE TOGETHER.

EXT. OLD MANOR - NIGHT

DAN AND CONTESTANT #3 ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF LARGE RUSTED GATE THAT LEADS INTO THE COURTYARD OF A SPOOKY OLD MANOR. THEIR CAR IS PARKED OFF TO THE SIDE WITH A FLAT TIRE. DAN AND CONTESTANT #3 ARE BOTH SLIGHTLY UNNERVED BY THE EERIE ATMOSPHERE OF THE PLACE. OFF IN THE DISTANCE A WOLF HOWLS, AN OWL HOOTS, AND AN OLD MAN FARTS.

DAN

What the hell was that?

CONTESTANT #3

It sounded like someone farting but not just anyone -- it sounded like an old man's fart, like after my grandfather eats a bowl of cabbage.

DAN

Weird. (LOOKING AROUND) Wow, man, what a creepy place to breakdown.

CONTESTANT #3

Yeah. You think anyone lives in there? Maybe we could use their phone.

DAN

Hey, did you just hear something?

CONTESTANT #3

Why? What did it sound like?

DAN

(PUZZLED) Like a clucking chicken.

CONTESTANT #3

(LAUGHS) A what?

DAN

Holy shit! Look!

SUDDENLY, A (DIGITALLY ANIMATED) 900 POUND GIANT CHICKEN WITH FANGS LEAPS OUT AT DAN AND CONTESTANT #3.

INT. MR. SHOW STUDIO - STAGE

BOB AND DAVID ARE SITTING ON A BIG COUCH EATING POPCORN AND WATCHING THE GIANT CHICKEN ATTACK DAN AND CONTESTANT #3 ON THE STAGE MONITOR. DAVID HITS A BUTTON ON THE REMOTE CONTROL, CAUSING THE MONITOR TO SHUT OFF.

THE MR. SHOW AUDIENCE APPLAUDS. BOB AND DAVID STAND UP, FACING THE AUDIENCE.

DAVID

Well, I hope you enjoyed the movie.

BOB

Thanks for coming. And next week we'll have a brand spanking new Mr. Show for you. That's if David doesn't meet another jail bird. (LAUGHS)

DAVID

What the fuck does that mean?

BOB

Nothing. It was just a joke.

DAVID

Yeah, at my emotional expense.

BOB

Come on David, be cool.

DAVID PICKS UP A BIG MALLET THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE LYING ON THE STAGE FLOOR.

BOB

(PANICKY) Hey, what are you doing?

DAVID

(RAISES MALLET) Something I should have done a long time ago.

BOB PUTS HIS HANDS UP IN DEFENSE. DAVID SMACKS BOB ON THE HEAD WITH THE MALLET, KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR.

DAVID

(BEAT) Oh shit. What did I do? (DROPS MALLET) What was I thinking?

DAVID LEANS DOWN QUICKLY CHECKING BOB'S VITALS.

DAVID

(STANDS, REMORSEFUL) Ladies and gentlmen, there will be no Mr. Show next week, or ever, because my little buddy, Bob Odenkirk..is dead.

BOB SUDDENLY POPS UP FROM THE FLOOR.

BOB

(SMILING) No I'm not, I'm alive!

THE MR. SHOW AUDIENCE CHEERS.

DAVID

Don't ever die on me again, Bob.

BOB

You got it, sport. Go on and shake it for them chicken.

THE GIANT (DIGITALLY ANIMATED) CHICKEN APPEARS NEXT TO BOB AND DAVID, A TORN BLOODY FOOT IN ITS BEAK. THE CHICKEN STARTS DANCING LIKE THE "DANCING BABY" FROM "ALLY MCBEAL" AS CREDITS ROLL AND WE FADE OUT:

FADE OUT


End file.
